X DEFILED

You know when you’re on vacation, in a hotel room, and there’s local news on with unfamiliar anchors talking about towns you’ve never heard of? And its followed by your favorite TV show on a weird channel at a time you’re not used to? And it all makes you feel a little out of sorts? That’s not quite how X Files:I want to Believe made me feel. It made me feel like I came home to find my dad married to my sister. My sister who’s now Whoopi Goldberg, and who speaks like the backwards talking midget in Twin Peaks.

What the hell was this movie? It wasn’t the X-Files. When we first see Mulder he’s eating sunflower seeds staring at his I Want To Believe poster with pencils stuck in the ceiling above his head. Enjoy that heavy handed bit of “here’s Mulder, remember all this?” because its the last time anything will seem remotely connected with the show. A bizarre plot (homosexual head switching??!) does not an X-Files movie make. If they wanted to do a stand alone film with no mythology I can’t believe they couldn’t come up with something better than a story line seemingly rejected from the Saw franchise for being too stupid.

Mulder and Scully were always broody, but in this they’re a couple of boring mopes still whining about personal conflicts of faith the show covered repeatedly, and in a far more interesting and superior way. I wouldn’t have minded a movie that presented them as broken, tired, and disheartened, seeing as they’ve lived Trust No One repeatedly, but make it interesting! This movie was as big a letdown as aliens abducting you and taking you to their homeland of Mexico.

While we’re on the subject of franchises being run into the ground, a few words on The Mummy: Tomb of the Something or Other. Goddamn this movie too. Way to make a Mummy movie incredibly dull, that’s quite a feat. Way to focus on the now really annoying O’Connell clan instead of, I don’t know, mummies? I’m not usually one to give actresses praise because I’m a hater, but damn I really did miss Rachel Weisz as Evie. Her replacement, Maria Bello, had zero chemistry with Brendan Fraser, and Weisz was all around much cuter and believable in the role. Jet Li hasn’t been this wasted since War. Brendan Fraser hasn’t been this wasted since I met him a while back and he seemed a bit…wasted. But still dreamy.

If you MUST see this movie, get there about 45 minutes into it, all the exposition should be just about winding up, and there’s one cool new group of characters, Tibetan locals that make things entertaining for about ten minutes. Then I’m afraid its back to the bore, and even Brendan’s dreaminess can’t save it. That’s coming from someone who thought his dreaminess made Bedazzled palatable.

“Chew-wow-wahh!” Enough of that too! Movies made me one grumpy sourpuss this week. But thanks to Step Brothers, and Will Ferrell’s sac, I’m all good now. Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride when I think of boats ‘n hoes.