I! AM!…


Now With Review (some minor spoilers)…

TUESDAY, NOV 13, 2007:

I! AM!…

at a loss for words right now.

Let me update this on Thursday after i figure this all out.

But Jesus.

Ya know the shot in Polar Express…THE SHOT, with the ticket’s journey…

This whole film is like that shot.

If you don’t seek out IMAX 3D for this you’re out of your mind.


A Mind-blowing, head-crushing, out-of-control visual odyssey that will jerk off your mind and give it multiple releases in the two hours you’ve paid to spend time with it. Zemekis. He, to me more than anyone else, is the one who most consistently gives me the feeling i spend my life searching for. Time and time again he delivers that feeling. The reason for my being. And BEOWULF is no exception. I love everything there is to love about this experience. For it is not a film. To call it a film is unfair. Racist even. This is an EXPERIENCE. And an industry-changing one at that. He has pushed the technical bar beyond where it can be pushed. And it really kind of upsets me that we have all grown SO cynical that, here we have the most amazing, advanced, unbelievable spectacle and all most can do is nitpick about CG flaws in characters eyes. It’s like how everyone that called the Polar Express kids “Dead Eyed” were people who never actually experienced the journey. Everyone i know who saw Polar loved it. Ya know why? Because when a movie is good, it doesn’t matter if they use stick figure animation or top notch CG. The story and emotions are what matters. And you get caught up in it so much that after the first few minutes you tend to forget all about those dead eyes and instead get caught up in a great story.

Which is why i still prefer Polar over Beo. But to compare them is unfair. For Beowulf is the Polar opposite. Zemekis has the balls to deliver a no-holds-barred mega-violent juggernaut that pushes the PG-13 rating beyond its limits. This is to PG-13 what Temple of Doom was to PG. I almost want to do a sociology experiment where, at one screening, i pick a naive family with their 8 year old and sit by them and watch the parents body language through this film. It’ll be fun to see how they react to the song that Beowulf’s men sing, among some other highly sexual tidbits.

Anyway, as i said – the ZemekisVision is beyond desciption here. There are shots in the film that will bring me back again and again. I sit here on the day of its release having seen it three times, all in IMAX 3D (THERE IS NO OTHER WAY – NO, NOT EVEN THE REAL3D theaters) and i have to actually cut the review short because i am rushing out the door for my fourth. This has the IncreasedAwe effect. Where i am liking it more and more with each time. And the Silvestri score is the best. So great.

The one thing i can say, and i agree with Eros on, is that – the film falls short of being the masterpiece is could have been for one main reason. And that is the lack of an emotional connection. It’s tricky, because i”m not familiar with the poem (i was supposed to read it at NYU but never bothered). So if this is what the story is than i guess it is what it is. Still, I wish that i could connect a little more emotionally with the character of Beowulf. As awesomely rendered as he is and as fun as it is to watch him battle the greatest dragon in cinema history, there are times, like at the end, where i wish i was made to feel a little more sympathy for him.


If anything, i mainly relate to Grendal, not because i LOVE that Crispin not only gets to create a whole character out of his Charlie’s Angels scream as well as recreate the George McFly laugh for Zemekis after all these years (and court battles) – but because he’s an unexpectedly sympathetic creature who just wants some peace and quiet. And i know what it’s like to feel that everytime i see a film in Mahattan.

Also – one last note on the CG – i think it’s interesting to note that Beowulf and Wiglaf are the best Human animation in this. And my theory is because there is no actual actor frame of reference for our eyes and mind. So when we watch Hopkins, we can easily pick out any flaws. But Since Beowulf looks nothing like Ray Winstone who portrays him – since he a completely fresh image to us – we therefore accept him all the more.

Anyway – i know this review is rambling all over but like i said, i’m typing a mile a minute to run out the door back up to 67th & Bway to get naked all over again for the 4th time. All the gaybaby’s out there can keep their 300. I want Beowulf all to myself.


No Responses

  1. Eros Welker says:

    I’m not sure what this means, if it excites me or scares me, but I love the pictures!!!  I want to hear the pre-screening story, of how you got in and who you flashed a nacho too!

  2. junktape says:



  3. DougGold says:

    I don’t know what to think anymore.  I long ago wrote off this film.  I was never excited about the story of Beowulf and thought the CGI looked like something out of a videogame. Now all I hear are people saying that everyone has to go see this thing in IMAX. Do I really?  And if I do, will I really enjoy it?  I don’t know what to think.

  4. ...The Lone Wolf says:

    I think you’re a fag for worrying so much.

    Just go see it.  If you like it, good for you.  If you don’t, you wasted 15 bucks on a movie instead of a bj from a tranny hooker as usual.

    And if you weren’t excited about it to begin with, why are you buying into the hype now?  Go read the original poem with a cup of herbal tea if blockbusters aren’t your thing, there’s no shame in that….well, not much.  Some people think reading is cool.  I don’t know any, but I’m sure they’re out there, like unicorns and irish midgets promising pots of gold.

    And what’s wrong with something looking like its from out of a videogame?  Have you seen videogames lately?  They’re AWESOME.  I’ll watch a videogame any day of the week over Casablanca, I’ll tell you that much.  Word.

    Don’t worry so much.  Don’t buy into the masses.  Be more like me.  For I am…….

  5. cybergosh says:


    What i don’t get is, as a fan of film – i just don’t have any clue as to how anyone would write an EVENT like this off.  The future is NOW.

  6. Eros Welker says:

    Lone Wolf, awesome.  Awesome.  I’ll chime in on Beowulf soon, and try to stay spoiler-free.  But I have to back the Berg up, see it in IMAX 3D or stop going to the movies.

  7. Eros Welker says:

    I must be a gaybaby.  I think 300 is a much better movie than Beowulf.  I find it funny that of this crew I’m the only one who loves it… but I’m used to it by now, you Coen brother-lovin’ fools!

  8. cybergosh says:

    28.1 ?  28.1 ?!?!?!?!?

    Very confusing and upsetting.  I don’t care if you even liked or hated Beowulf.  This is really bad because this tells the suits that you there is no market for adult-oriented animation and that you have to have bee’s with celeb voices being annoying to do any biz.  It tells them pushing the limits of PG-13 and having the balls to do something a little out there and ground-breaking is a losing game, and to stick with the tried and true.

    Disney, with its mutli-picture deal with ImageMovers, must be shitting blood about A Christmas Carol. 

    I’m sad about this.

    I guess people just don’t take to it when it goes for photorealism.  They likes their drawin’s all nice and not real-like.

    There is a quote in the trailer for There Will Be Blood that i really love and relate to.

    “I look at people and I see nothing worth liking”

  9. Eros Welker says:

    It could also mean that Beowulf wasn’t very good, which it wasn’t.  I’m convinced that someone will pull off the R-rated CG flick successfully in our lifetime.

  10. cybergosh says:

    No no no – it doesn’t mean that at all and you know that.  First of all – it WAS awesome and second, flicks being good or bad makes no diff in the opening weekend – maybe the second but not the first.  People go when they wanna go regardless of reviews and such.  And most reviews for Beo were good.  So it had nothing to do with what you thought of it.

  11. Eros Welker says:

    It’s going to take a lot for people to go see what they think of as a “cartoon.” Bee Movie worked because they put commercials all over NBC with Jerry Seinfeld for weeks.  People love Seinfeld, so they gave it a shot, and while I haven’t seen it, I can’t imagine it’s half as insulting as some of the other kid drivel out there, so it succeeded.

    Beowulf looks like a cartoony 300.  300 was HIGHLY anticipated, even though you don’t like it, every self-respecting “man” had to see it, and girls were willing to see it for half-naked guys and violence.  Girls don’t want to see half-naked digital Angelina Jolie, and guys think this looks like a video game.

    We spoke about this, but if it boasted more well-written dramatic bits (like an interesting, heart-wrenching love story), then that could have played in a trailer and convinced girls that it’s worth seeing, and guys that it’s more than just God of War cutscenes.

    I enjoyed my time with Wulfy (he’s just fine, dear), and am recommending it to everyone as a must-see 3D experience, but I’m not so blinded as to think it’s quality cinema.

  12. Eros Welker says:

    BTW, I’m hearing WONDERFUL things about Enchanted, so whomever called you out on this flick is a real douche.