I was never a big fan of the first two RE’s, but Mila really knows how to make the way stale concept of killin’ zombies fun. She serves up some really cool moves once again – but, unfortunately, Russell Mulcahy has long lost his loving touch. I liked the opening scene and I liked the last scene very much – but everything in between was just plain evil.

So i figured i would give Eastern Promises a chance. Well, fuck me for that. Only reason i can recommend this film is if you’re curious to see Viggo’s Narsil and near Taint.

Then i snuck into Sydney White because i was curious to see a modern take on Snow White and I really enjoyed Amanda in Hairspray. Well, fuck me again. I did the best i could to stomach it, but had surrender and walk out after about a 30 minutes. Walked to Toys R Us. They didn’t have anything. Walked to starbucks. Forced myself not to get anything. Walked home and had a salad. So, i’m kind of proud of myself about that. That’s a big deal. Shit. Okay, so just typing all about Starbucks has made me wanna fuckin’ go back down there. No. NO – i went there before the film. And i’ve been having a steady Pumpkin Spice Latte and Warmed Pumpkin Loaf every day. So no. I’m not gonna give in. I just had a nice salad and that’s enough for me. But yeah, Sydney White really sucked. Although you probably didn’t need me to tell you that. What i did like was a Snaker-pick called DEATH NOTE. Too long, but good. Thanks, Bake. Let’s meet at Starbucks soon.

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  1. Claire Redfield from Code Veronica not that piece says:

    I don’t expect anyone to bother reading/commenting on this epic rant, I just need to a place to seethe.  Thank you EG for being my soft place to fall.

    Extinction that’s what you did to the franchise Russel Mulcahy.  FUCK YOU RUSSEL MULCAHY I hate you so much right now.  I thought I was watching a Bergman film I was so goddamn bored, how badly do you have to fuck up to make a Resident Evil movie boring?

    As a Resident Evil gamer I liked the first two movies, I was prepared to hate Milla because the character she was playing was never part of the games, but she was actually good, she wasn’t laughable fighting off zombie dogs the way some model/actresses would’ve been.  The fact that she’s Russian probably helped, those bitches are tough, they’ve all been raised by alcoholics so they know how to take a punch.  Speaking of alcoholics, one of the only things off about RE1 was that pudgy dyke Michelle “I do the same glare in every movie” Rodriguez, but I lived with it because they threw in so much stuff from the game to make a nerd like me happy.  RE2 Apocalypse was fun, I spent so many hours playing RE 3 running from Nemesis that it was cool to see him on the big screen hissing “S*T*A*R*R*S….

    So what the fuck happened with THIS movie?  First of all, it takes balls the size of OJ’s

    to make a horror film set in a desert that doesn’t have hills.  Desert = wide open spaces, no place for things to lurk and hide.  Desert = bright light, again, not so creepy.  This desert needed a Pitch Black eclipse but no such luck, all the stupid zombies were right there out in the open bright sunlight.  Thrill to the threat of sun cancer.

    Not that Resident Evil movies are particularly scary, but the games were goddammit, if the fuckers who made this (I’m talking to you Paul W.S. Anderson, not content to rape me with AvP you had to wipe your cock on my curtains by writing this trash??) had played one of the many games for an hour they would’ve found so many cooler scenarios and monsters to make a movie with, what about Resident Evil 4 where they’re on a boat, how cool would a zombie movie on a boat been?  But no, a goddamn desert with only a few game characters (Wesker, Carlos again, Claire) and the massive crow attack put in for people who wanted game stuff.  Don’t get me started on the final boss battle.

    Why put Claire Redfield in this movie if you’re not going to give her anything cool to do AND make her look pasty and washed out.  Just because you’re fighting zombies doesn’t mean you can’t look good in the costume you wore in the game, proven by Jill Valentine in Resident Evil 2 Apocalypse.  My email has been ClaireRedfield@_ for the past friggen 6 years, now its going to have to be ClaireRedfieldFromTheGamesNotThePieceOfShitMovie@_ lest anyone think I’m trying to emulate that lame movie character who never did a single cool thing.  Turning Alice into Firestarter meets The Prestige was pretty tedious too.

    I want to find Russel Mulcahy’s kids, grind them up and feed them to him for this movie. 

    You ruined a cool movie opportunity and my email address I HATE YOU.  Go back to directing Duran Duran videos you little bitch.

  2. Cybergosh says:

    Ah those were the days.  Those were the days.

    Anyway.  Yeah.  My good behavior didn’t last very long.  Just indulged in a banana nut loaf.

  3. Junktape says:

    Wow.  So disappointed.  I love the first two RE movies, pretty much for the exact reasons pointed out.  The first movie was just a surprise and I totally agree that Milla not only won over the audience, but took over the franchise and made it her own.  The sequel, while sillier than the original, was a love letter to fans and so I enjoyed it.  People can’t understand unless they spent hours in the dark dealing with NEMESIS firsthand.

    Anyway, I was looking forward to a big ass sequel.  This sounds so disappointing on all levels.  Will likely see it, but probably not in the theatre.  I saw the first two on DVD and the darkened living room is part of RE’s charm for me.  I will buy a box set of these, lol so that is probably how I will end up with the third movie in hand.


  4. Junktape says:

    And hey redfield, you ever play RE 4?  I’m half way through it now.  FRIGGIN FUN – so dont despair, because 5 is on the way for next-gen systems and is likely to rock.  Check out the trailer

  5. c. redfield says:

    I never played 4, but I’ve watched others play it and its awesome.  I actually quit gaming cold turkey after RE code veronica and Silent Hill 2, I was really going insane, turning into Tom Hanks from dungeons and dragons if you ever saw that old tv movie.  I’d dream about the puzzles in my sleep, I’d go up to paintings in people’s homes and for a split second wait for a dialog box to open…I had to stop, and its probably glad I did, otherwise I would’ve freaked out and stabbed some person shuffling next to me thinking it was a zombie instead of some poor soul with cerebral palsy.  Then the politicians would be all over video games and their influence, video game makers would have to scale back on the violence…I’d ruin it for everyone.  Now I just read the strategy guides to keep up on what’s happening. 

    Umbrella Chronicles YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. c. redfield says:

    oh wait “mazes and monsters” not dungeons and dragons…I’ve NEVER been in danger of turning into Marlon Wayans.