Wow, a movie about prisoners forced to fight to the death on an island should not be as good as The Condemned. Maybe it was because it took itself SO seriously. There’s no laughs at all – it’s essentially murder and rape, followed by someone exploding, and all of it “televised” via the internet for profit. I could have lived without the heavy-handedness of it all (and it falls apart a bit at the end), but I have to hand it to them for entertaining me with violence.
Of course, this all got me thinking: What are the good “everyone must die” flicks? But even more specifically, what other “trapped on an island” + “everyone must die” flicks are there? So, allow me to share my late night thoughts on the top island free-for-alls:
Top 5 Island Free-For-Alls
#5 – No Escape
Before he would go on to revolutionize Bond, director Martin Campbell delivered this futuristic take on a maximum security prison, starring Ray Liotta, at the start of his death spiral which has since culminated in him featured as a leather coat-wearing sorceror in Uwe Boll’s adaptation of a PC role-playing game. For a movie about wild, savage prisoners versus community-focused, law-abiding prisoners, No Escape is a real snoozer. AND it stars Lance “Bishop” Henriksen, and that guy made Pumpkinhead entertaining!
Best Moment: When the barbarian horde leader declares, “I’ve removed the heads of state” and then dumps a bunch of heads and parts out.
Best Site Discovered During Research: Movies with Male Bondage. Might not be your thing, but you have to respect anyone with this much enthusiasm.
#4 – Lord of the Flies
For those who were getting laid while I sat in English class, Lord of the Flies is a novel about a group of young boys stranded on an island with no adult supervision. Without MySpace, they go wild, don war paint and set on each other, not unlike New York Giants fans… but with less making out. There were two flicks made, though the ’90s one was in color and therefore the only one worth mentioning. Popular with pedophiles across the country, Lord of the Flies is a good way to pass the time, especially if you’re only familiar with it because of the Iron Maiden song.
Best Moment: C’mon, you know it, Piggy getting smashed with a giant rock. Die fatboy die!
Best Site Discovered During Research: The Brothers Brick. Really has nothing to do with Golding’s story, but it’s cool nonetheless.
#3 – LOST
Infuriating, yes, but each week (or at least 5 or 6 times a year), the Survivors, Others, Hostiles, and now Freighterpeople go to mental war against one another with as much vaguery as possible. No one is safe from their lack of questions, or the flood of non-answers. LOST is brutality at its best against all who watch it on a weekly (or again, 5 or 6 times a year) basis.
Best Moment: Nikki being buried alive in season 3. I only wish it happened to Paulo as well.
Best Site Discovered During Research: Unofficial Driveshaft Fan Site. You all everybody, indeed!
#2 – Battle Royale
Battle Royale is quite possibly the bestest movie ever to feature schoolkids killing one another, and without any embedded “video games are bad” message to boot! Of course, it also happens to be Japanese. In the movie, based on the novel, Battle Royale takes a group of teens, gasses them and pits them against one another with crossbows, knives and shotguns. Awesome awesome stuff. Expect Hollywood to eventually fuck it up if the remake ever gets off the ground.
Best Moment: Hard to share this one, but a hot chick stabs a dude in the crotch TWICE. Brutal!
Best Site Discovered During Research:Battle Royale Trading Card Game!Can’t wait to play.
And without further adieu, the top island free-for-all movie is…
#1 – Godzilla’s Revenge
No beast is safe when Godzilla is on the loose! This outing follows a young boy who finds himself daydreaming of Monster Island. Once there, he hangs with Minya (also considered Baby Godzilla by fools!), and they both figure out how to deal with bullies. Probably the worst Godzilla movie ever, Godzilla’s Revenge does feature giant monsters slugging it out with one another which makes it instantly a winner. Even if the action is handled mostly via stock footage, it’s still more watchable than Amelie.
Best Moment: Nothing rivals Minya blowing smoke rings while trying to belch fire. Nothing!
Best Site Discovered During Research: Barry’s Temple of Godzilla