Abort.

So look. I really don’t go into movies like Juno wanting to hate them.

I don’t. I really don’t. The opposite, actually. When something that i don’t expect to like but am curious about comes along, i go in wanting and hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I want nothing more then to come out with that feeling of having to rush home and type up a BergView on EG which will call everyone an idiot for not seeing it. Sure – yes – the thought does enter my mind before the movie begins on the easy and obvious EG headline if i don’t like the film. But it is IMMEDIATELY followed by the counter-thought of what headline I’d use if things turn out swell. So, please. Trust me. I’d much rather have used This Film Know Oscar Like A Juno Money. But sadly, this headline was not meant to be.

I waited. I sat. Anticipating when it would kick in. When what countless critics are raving about would suddenly happen. When i would stop not laughing and, well, at least smile. And waited some more. And then grew increasingly frustrated. I waited all the way until the Bateman, since he has saved a few films for me lately. But still – more and more frustrated i became. Because, listen. Let’s say this stripper/blogger chic wrote something like The Darjeeling Limited. And that Darjeeling was not a Wes film. But it was Juno. Then – trust me, i’d be all over this. I’d be an instant fan. I would be in every film to come from this girl. But, you see, in a Wes Anderson film, when we meet characters who are quirky — they’re not just quirky for quirky’s sake. There’s something else going on there. Behind the quirkiness lies deeper things going on. Subtly (and sometimes not so much) brewing under the surface. Here, we get poor man’s Anderson with film school acting to boot.

I keep hearing whispers of the “star making turn” this is for Ellen Page. The only thing this grating performance does is ruin Hard Candy. I’ll never be able to watch it again without her annoying wise-ass one-note quips buzzing in my ear.

And the screenplay?? A nomination?? Ten best lists????? Okay – my water just fucking broke even thinking about. I have to stop typing this reaction now and go fill up the tub with hot water and stick my face in it and open my eyes and cry.

The thing that upsets me most is when films like this, for one unjustified reason or another, get the buzz when there are so many other films out there that deserve it more. It makes me feel sad and confused. It’s like there’s this big baking contest and all these old ladies spent countless hours cooking the perfect homemade pies and cakes. And then some crafty old bitch mashes up some Twinkies and wins the whole thing. Except – she didn’t even use actual Twinkies. She bought those cheap twinkie-wannabe things…ya know – they sell ’em in the dirtier delis. Anyway, Mildred spent two weeks slaving away over her oven and crotchety old Bessie comes in and takes the acclaim with none of the talent. I hate that Bessie.

Shame on the film community for embracing this hackneyed piece of Twinkie-Wannabe. The only thing it inspired me to do was call my mom and coax her that it is still not too late to abort me.