The Reasons I Hate Transformers
I’m not going to totally overdo it. I already tore this apart a month ago when I saw it, and subsequently hid the article from prying eyes, but as the weeks have gone by, I’ve felt myself coming around to Transformers. I remember not loving Episode 3 when I first saw it too, and really enjoying the second time, once I knew what to expect. Since Transformers did NOT live up to expectations, naturally I came out not liking it. So now, as it goes into wide release, I want to see Transformers again and see if maybe I was in a bad mood, or I just didn’t get it, or seeing John Turturro get pissed on the second time is the charm…
I am like Cybergosh, very happy that Fat Ass and Junky enjoyed the flick – considering these are two story nerds, one of which just called me out for Sam Neill blowing into a skull to talk to dinosaurs, I’m flabbergasted – but clearly, they had their Eye Candy goggles on. I guess these things just hit as at different times, right state of mind, etc. But I must go on…
But before I do so, allow me to share a non-comprehensive list of reasons that I hate the new Transformers movie.
These are the things I’ll be watching for to see if they sting less for Round 2:
Frenzy – I fucking hated him. I can’t tell what he is, I hate that he runs around a plane undetected, I hate his “voice”… hopefully he won’t be so Jar Jar-errific.
John Turturro – Admittedly, I don’t like this actor already, but c’mon, he’s horrible in the movie, right? I’d blame the script, but there are hundreds of actors that could have sold that part and made it funny. He just made it annoying… but even then, I could feel satisfied with his come-uppance, because it essentially destroyed other things that I thought I liked (e.g. Bumblebee).
The Austrailian hacker and Anthony Anderson – Who the FUCK cares about these people? And I’m going to be stuck with them for 2 more sequels? FUCK! I thought the comedy was weak, the scenes unnecessary (Bay tells a “I’m so tough, I’m so tough — SHE DID IT!” joke in TWO SCENES.. are you kidding me?!? they throw this shit away on Cosby Show in 20 seconds!). The Aussie might be cute, but I kept hoping the stud in her nose would transform and attack her face.
That Bumblebee summons the autobots from space – I know this is minor, but I just don’t get it. Megatron is lost somewhere on Earth, the Allspark is lost somewhere on Earth, the Decepticons are somewhere on Earth, and Bumblebee is the only Autobot on Earth?? No me gusta.
Product placement (nokia, etc.) – This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I just don’t like being advertised to IN a movie, unless it’s for laughs. I can live with Pontiac Solstice promos… really, I didn’t mind it at all. The new Camaro, etc. Totally cool. But Nokia? That whole throwaway line just to mention them? And then it gets worse, when that Allspark transforms not just an Xbox 360, but a fucking Mountain Dew vending machine?!?! Are you for real???
Megan fox – The stills of her look so sultry, sexy and hot… and yet, she wasn’t. I found her annoying, I found her slightly weathered, I found her unattractive. But I was glad Shia got some, if even a little. Love triangle between her, him and Tyrese come second movie? Ooooooh!
The independence day-esque “there’s something even you don’t know about” scene (mars rover) – This was very disappointing to me. All this time, I thought that was made JUST for a trailer. To have it in the movie threw me off. Admittedly, this is my fault — but still, it bugged me. Also, that it stole a page from Independence Day ON Independence Day kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
Decepticon alien language – I don’t like it. I don’t like that sometimes they speak, sometimes they talk in an alien language. It’s a quibble, but it’s my quibble.
No showstopper scene (mill wheel – pirates 2) – After the initial transformation base attack, I kinda felt that there was no “oh my god, I can’t wait to see that scene again” moment. MAYBE the 15-second Bonecrusher vs. Optimus Prime fight. But am I really rushing to the theater for a 15-second fight scene?!
No bad guy personality – If you subbed in people instead of robots, we’d be complaining that it was like a bad Die Hard clone. None of the villains, Megatron included, have ANY personality. God forbid they introduce Starscream as the one we knew and love, but nope. I was really bummed out about the generic nature of these guys. Even the Autobots, to some degree, were a little interchangeable, which I didn’t remember getting from the cartoon.
Story probs – Last but not least, the story. The most important part for me, because I’ve seen giant robots fighting already (Robot Jox anyone?). I just didn’t get a lot of what was being asked. Not that it went over my head, but it just didn’t make any sense. I keep thinking about that last bit where the Autobots are like “Go Shia, go run to those towers with the most important device of the universe.” It bugged me plenty.
So we’ll see how this all goes down on second viewing, whenever that will be. Happy to those who enjoy, commiserating with all those who didn’t — and more importantly, already excited for the next Potter which I can’t wait for! How can that disappoint?!