You know when you’re on vacation, in a hotel room, and there’s local news on with unfamiliar anchors talking about towns you’ve never heard of? And its followed by your favorite TV show on a weird channel at a time you’re not used to? And it all makes you feel a little out of sorts? That’s not quite how X Files:I want to Believe made me feel. It made me feel like I came home to find my dad married to my sister. My sister who’s now Whoopi Goldberg, and who speaks like the backwards talking midget in Twin Peaks.

What the hell was this movie? It wasn’t the X-Files. When we first see Mulder he’s eating sunflower seeds staring at his I Want To Believe poster with pencils stuck in the ceiling above his head. Enjoy that heavy handed bit of “here’s Mulder, remember all this?” because its the last time anything will seem remotely connected with the show. A bizarre plot (homosexual head switching??!) does not an X-Files movie make. If they wanted to do a stand alone film with no mythology I can’t believe they couldn’t come up with something better than a story line seemingly rejected from the Saw franchise for being too stupid.

Mulder and Scully were always broody, but in this they’re a couple of boring mopes still whining about personal conflicts of faith the show covered repeatedly, and in a far more interesting and superior way. I wouldn’t have minded a movie that presented them as broken, tired, and disheartened, seeing as they’ve lived Trust No One repeatedly, but make it interesting! This movie was as big a letdown as aliens abducting you and taking you to their homeland of Mexico.

While we’re on the subject of franchises being run into the ground, a few words on The Mummy: Tomb of the Something or Other. Goddamn this movie too. Way to make a Mummy movie incredibly dull, that’s quite a feat. Way to focus on the now really annoying O’Connell clan instead of, I don’t know, mummies? I’m not usually one to give actresses praise because I’m a hater, but damn I really did miss Rachel Weisz as Evie. Her replacement, Maria Bello, had zero chemistry with Brendan Fraser, and Weisz was all around much cuter and believable in the role. Jet Li hasn’t been this wasted since War. Brendan Fraser hasn’t been this wasted since I met him a while back and he seemed a bit…wasted. But still dreamy.

If you MUST see this movie, get there about 45 minutes into it, all the exposition should be just about winding up, and there’s one cool new group of characters, Tibetan locals that make things entertaining for about ten minutes. Then I’m afraid its back to the bore, and even Brendan’s dreaminess can’t save it. That’s coming from someone who thought his dreaminess made Bedazzled palatable.

“Chew-wow-wahh!” Enough of that too! Movies made me one grumpy sourpuss this week. But thanks to Step Brothers, and Will Ferrell’s sac, I’m all good now. Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride when I think of boats ‘n hoes.

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No Responses to “X DEFILED”

  1. junky says:

    Can’t speak to the files, but boy did Mummy 3 disappoint.  I agree that Maria Bello was charmless in this film and greatly threw off the mojo.  The original Mummy movies grew on me over time to the point that I think the first one is a really fun and inspired little movie.  Lots of character charm and fun action with exceptional chemistry between the leads.  Was never a big Rachel Weisz fan, but she shows great comic timing in that first film from the moment she’s introduced on screen.  Her scene with Brendan at the prison has an old hollywood snap to it – in fact the whole film is kind of an homage to the best of classic hollywood genre pictures.

    Didn’t love the second as much, though admittedly seeing the Rock with lobster claws is worth any price of admission. 

    And Imhotep was always a tragic villain – he just wanted to be reunited with his lover.  That fact always made him more interesting to me than some typical, power-hungry uber-baddie. 

    Mummy three had nothing going for it.  The chemistry between the leads is ruined, we’re expected to believe they’ve retired in their thirties, and that O’Connell is a bad father who can’t connect with his son — clearly his son shares his parent’s own passions.

    Everything just felt forced and tacked on and poorly sold.  Add to this an overly complicated Mummy (technically are they even mummies?) plot in which the O’Connell clan barely have any involvement—they just follow secondary characters around, watch them read from spellbooks, blah blah blah.

    Zero charm, zero magic or laughs, despite some shaggy friends who provide a moment of eye candy and a few funny lines from the Jonathan character.  (When this annoying second banana is the highlight of the movie you know we’re in trouble…)

    BTW—A mummy who can shape-shift at will but not during hand-to-hand combat?  WTF?  A love affair between an immortal and a human based on what?  An army of undead from under the great wall of china?  How many more movies must force us to watch digital armies attacking one another while the main characters just sit and stare?

    Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh are both wasted – each are much better than this movie allows them to be.  That kid should have been recast.  I guess Shia Lebouf wasn’t available.

  2. cybergosh says:

    I can’t get boats and hoes out of my head.  After two times, I need to go back to the fuckin catalina wine mixer.  It’s my third fave of the year and up there with my all-time favorite comedies ever.

  3. bURNT says:

    Great post, Shanty.  Pretty brilliant and entertaining.  And I, too, Stepped up for the Brothers.  Big fan!  We must all get out o Catalina asafp!

  4. cybergosh says:

    fuckin’ catalina wine mixer