Abort.

So look. I really don’t go into movies like Juno wanting to hate them.


I don’t. I really don’t. The opposite, actually. When something that i don’t expect to like but am curious about comes along, i go in wanting and hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I want nothing more then to come out with that feeling of having to rush home and type up a BergView on EG which will call everyone an idiot for not seeing it. Sure – yes – the thought does enter my mind before the movie begins on the easy and obvious EG headline if i don’t like the film. But it is IMMEDIATELY followed by the counter-thought of what headline I’d use if things turn out swell. So, please. Trust me. I’d much rather have used This Film Know Oscar Like A Juno Money. But sadly, this headline was not meant to be.

I waited. I sat. Anticipating when it would kick in. When what countless critics are raving about would suddenly happen. When i would stop not laughing and, well, at least smile. And waited some more. And then grew increasingly frustrated. I waited all the way until the Bateman, since he has saved a few films for me lately. But still – more and more frustrated i became. Because, listen. Let’s say this stripper/blogger chic wrote something like The Darjeeling Limited. And that Darjeeling was not a Wes film. But it was Juno. Then – trust me, i’d be all over this. I’d be an instant fan. I would be in every film to come from this girl. But, you see, in a Wes Anderson film, when we meet characters who are quirky — they’re not just quirky for quirky’s sake. There’s something else going on there. Behind the quirkiness lies deeper things going on. Subtly (and sometimes not so much) brewing under the surface. Here, we get poor man’s Anderson with film school acting to boot.

I keep hearing whispers of the “star making turn” this is for Ellen Page. The only thing this grating performance does is ruin Hard Candy. I’ll never be able to watch it again without her annoying wise-ass one-note quips buzzing in my ear.

And the screenplay?? A nomination?? Ten best lists????? Okay – my water just fucking broke even thinking about. I have to stop typing this reaction now and go fill up the tub with hot water and stick my face in it and open my eyes and cry.

The thing that upsets me most is when films like this, for one unjustified reason or another, get the buzz when there are so many other films out there that deserve it more. It makes me feel sad and confused. It’s like there’s this big baking contest and all these old ladies spent countless hours cooking the perfect homemade pies and cakes. And then some crafty old bitch mashes up some Twinkies and wins the whole thing. Except – she didn’t even use actual Twinkies. She bought those cheap twinkie-wannabe things…ya know – they sell ’em in the dirtier delis. Anyway, Mildred spent two weeks slaving away over her oven and crotchety old Bessie comes in and takes the acclaim with none of the talent. I hate that Bessie.

Shame on the film community for embracing this hackneyed piece of Twinkie-Wannabe. The only thing it inspired me to do was call my mom and coax her that it is still not too late to abort me.

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No Responses to “Abort.”

  1. MAO says:

    hahaha – juno money – this review is 10 times more entertaining than anything in that ghetto twinkie movie.

    Well at least Diablo (oh god, love the nom de plume, can’t you just see her Hot Topic accessorized apartment?  The flame steering wheel cover?) ripped you off 11 bucks for a lousy movie and not $50 for lap dance where you got to see her Meth mouth up close while her cheap Bourbon breath yapped about the screenplay she’s working on.

    Which begs the question…the best a former stripper could come up with was a homely girl having sex and getting pregnant?  Really?  I wish she’d taken ‘’write what you know” a few years out of her teens and into the strip club, might’ve been a better movie.

  2. Eros Welker says:

    So I saw Juno, as “everybody’s talking about” and while I don’t regret it, it’s certainly nothing special.  I laughed a few times, mostly because of J.K. Simmons (who’s pretty awesome in this) and the Bateman, as well as the occasional Cera quip.  But Ellen Page… oh little Ellen Page.  Sometimes, you’re so adorable, and sometimes, the words flowing out of your mouth make me want to smack you.  Overall, I’d give Juno a medicore 3 star “liked it” rating, as I was entertained, if unimpressed.

    Watching it, I did feel it was lazy filmmaking with annoying indie hipster music underscoring the boring, and the cartoony intro which seems completely unnecessary and not tied to anything else in the film.  But I don’t regret spending $6 seeing it, but wouldn’t recommend it.

  3. Fat Ass says:

    You guys… you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear this. You’ve saved a little part of my soul with this thread.

    The movie is just fine, but it’s way too hipster and out of the real world to be taken seriously. Jennifer Garner is excellent, but her character is the only real person in a world that feels like the Galaxy Quest aliens stopped watching Galaxy Quest and started watching Buffy. She’s just too fucking pleased with herself and for that I MUST INFLICT BODILY HARM.

    This movie was done far better by another film that had nothing to do with it except the spirit, and it was called Igby Goes Down. My fave movie of its year. That’s how you write a precocious teenager, you rich, celebrated hipster fuck of the moment Diablo Cody. I hate you for your success. Suck it, bitch– your flick kinda stinks.

  4. cybergosh says:

    I am really sad about this.  Another sundance indie, Eagle Vs. Shark, which is out on DVD this week – deserved the buzz this film has much more.  EG gave the last page to Diablo an issue or two ago.  This chick can’t write.  She’s a girl who thinks she can write and is being told she can write but she can’t write.  And this makes me fart.

  5. junkty says:

    Well, I thought it was a harmless, sweet movie but yes I felt it was laying it on pretty thick with the dialogue – to the point that it felt like a cartoon.  What this says about Joss Whedon’s writing I don’t know.  They should have called this movie, “Everyone is Xander.”

    To me, the real winner – the little gem everyone SHOULD have been talking about, was “Waitress.” Just watched it again over the xmas holiday and it remains one of my favorite little shamelessly feel-good movies.  Now THAT was a script, and THOSE were characters.

  6. junky says:

    But a big LOL moment for me in Juno was the fact that I too was seduced by Sonic Youth after hearing the cover of “Superstar,” (and some madonna covers) and then staggered upon the realization that except for two standouta albums (Dirty and Experimental Jet Set) MOST of their stuff is indeed just noise.

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