No Mistman for Old Mr Bergview Tales

Aside from Beowulf, I tried to not bother writing reviews for the last few big ones, but, i’m sitting here right now for some reason compelled to at least give you another short glimpse into my thoughts about the last bunch…


It’s been a really mixed up time at the movies for me lately. I can’t wrap my brain around my emotions for a lot of the last crop of films. So, I’ll start with one I’m certain about…

Hitman. This could have been good. I say that because, since his awesome performance in The Girl Next Door, Olyphant has been solid. And he gives it what he can in this. But it’s really just a mess. This project wreaked of “Executive Producer Vin Diesel’s dumb, meddling, riddick-ruining paws. Still, has a really nice shape to her and you get to see the nakedness in multiple scenes.

Lions for Lambs. I liked what it was trying to say. I do. I liked the messages behind this film. It’s just that the presentation of it is so TV-level melodrama that i can’t help but wonder if it will actually TURN folks into republicans. I stayed through the end for Cruise. His scenes were good…sort of like a Frank T.J. Mackey light.

The Mist. Why is it that every time we get a claustrophobic, character-driven piece about sinister invaders there has to be a religious angle to ruin it all for me? As with Signs, i really was into this. There were moments i was at the edge of my seat. No, not with fear. Eros is right — it’s not “scary” (and i agree that it should be much more scarier – although i think he is overreacting just so he could have the awesome “the pissed” headline). But i don’t really go to the movies to get scared. That last movie to make me jump in my seat may have been Poltergeist. I’m just saying that i don’t need the scares. What i like is edge-of-your-seat tension and the feeling of not knowing where a script is gonna take you next. And i felt that in The Mist. Sure, there are cliche, stereotypical small town characters that cross the border on annoying well before any actual mist even shows up. But then there is also Thomas Jane! The Jane! Essentially playing Drew Struzen, he rules here as he did in DBS. I only wish Sam Jackson could have played his neighbor. He would have given more weight to the role and it would be cool to see them back in action together. But still, as cool as Jane is, nothing can protect you from the GAYness of Harden. Everything Eros typed was an understatement. There were moments where i was wishing, for once, that there was a crying little ethnic baby next to me to drown out her dialogue. Where is that baby when i need him? He’s behind me at every other movie these days. The one time i needed him…

Speaking of, that’s why i ultimately kinda dug the movie. Because i have lived through situation after situation like this. Where the public conscienceness and stupid group mentality vibe sets in and becomes neanderthal. There were scenes that reminded me of the night at the AMC on 42nd this past July when the power went out on all 25 screens during the midnight Simpsons movie. Experiences like those, and like the one i had this morning waiting on in the wee hours for Black Friday madness…it made me really relate to a lot of it. I’m being serious…is there any actual quote, by an actual person i mean, that said “all men are created equal” ? Who was this person that said this? Anyway. yeah, so i became into the film on that level as well as wanting to know just what the fuck these things were out there in The Mist.

The only thing is, ultimately, i am left with a real sour taste in my mouth.
I love how the film has the balls to have the ending that it does yet i really almost hate it as well as it comes off a little too CCD for me. So yeah – I enjoyed it. It was great to have seen it and i would never tell anyone to stay away from this. But it falls in the category for me where i will probably never watch it again.

Now, moving on…

Imagine if you will that you go on a blind date. She is amazingly hot and treats you awesome. Everything is going right. Your immediately interested in her and everything she has to offer you. As the night goes on, it gets better and better. You are falling in love with the person. The are a dream come true. Better than you ever expected. Some playfulness under the table perhaps. You’re feeling a way you haven’t felt from a date like this in over ten years. She invited you back to her place. It is all effortless. You begin to make out. You begin to get naked. And then…suddenly, without warning…she…she….

kicks you out of her place. Before you even know what hit you, your standing in her hallway with your dick in your hand. Wondering what the fuck just even happened. What about the magic? What about how awesome everything was up until…what? What happened?!?!?!?!?!

That was how No Country For Old Men was for me. And before anyone accused me of “not getting it” or whatever – whatever – i can be down with those Coen’s. I love how Barton ends. But here – man, how can people let those Brothers get away with the ultimate cinematic blue ball?

So i left asking myself, do i judge the film by the overall felling it left with, or by the sum of it’s amazing parts? Afterall, Javier creates a villainous presence the likes we have not seen since the original Terminator. Just awesome, awesome sequences in this film. Uggg. Leaves me so sad. This is the reason why i don’t go to strip clubs.

Okay, moving on…moving on..what else…what else?

Southland Tales HAS to be seen. I mean, seriously, jesus christ – this movie is great for existing to shut anyone up that still uses lines like, “nothing original comes out of hollywood anymore”. I mean – there really is no way someone can “review” a movie like this. It just kinda needs to be seen. It’s not even a clear case of “love it or hate it” at work here. There is more to it than that. Maybe more like “love it AND hate it”. It reminded me of the kind of films that Gilliam should still be attempting to do. Dwayne is in TOP form here and Sean William Scott is actually pretty good in this. In addition, i likes seeing old pals like Lovitz, Dunn, and Oteri pop up. Moby’s music sets a pretty cool mood throughout. Good soundtrack. I love that Kelly apparently didn’t give two shits about the pressure of post-Darko success to influence him away from doing something this out of its own mind. I wonder what you’ll think.

Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. Despite what you may expect from me, i went into this pretty much ready to hate it. IN fact, the only reason i went at all was because of this one single shot in the trailer where all the little animal friends are cuddled in around Bateman. It intrigued me enough to see what those little guys would be up to. And i am very glad i did. Yes, it does come off as the burton-wannabee that i expected. But it has a bit more. Beyond the surface of the bad Hoffman lisp you’ve all been annoyed by in the trailer lies a big heart inside this film. And that’s pretty much all i need for a movie like this to work for me. I can look past some of the gags that don’t work and past portman’s unappealing boyish haircut. Because, there are themes at work here that i very much identify with and love. And because of that, and a nice little score by Alexandre Desplate (who did the awesome Birth score) i walked out of the Emporium with a nice little bag of chills.

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No Responses to “No Mistman for Old Mr Bergview Tales”

  1. cybergosh says:

    OH, and also – did The Mist HAVE to look so shitty?

    Movies don’t have to look shitty like that.

    Didin’t Darabont want it to look not shitty?

  2. Eros Welker says:

    At first, I read somewhere that Darabont was shooting digitally, and didn’t like the look of it so he went back to film.  Either way, it’s as if a film school reject shot it – it’s horrible.

    And Berg, I really have to take issue with “edge-of-your-seat tension.” I wasn’t expecting shock scares from The Mist, I was expecting to feel terror for the characters.  I wanted a “don’t go out in The Mist!!” vibe everytime somebody felt like they had to go out in The Mist.  But everytime that happened, I felt nothing.  I didn’t feel bad if something happened and I didn’t feel relieved if something didn’t.  What moment in the film really got you?  The awkward scene in the generator room?  A scene, which should have been frightening, was a snooze with not an ounce of terror.  It was like watching a horror movie in slo-mo.  Please, tell me, where did you find tension?  Even the end, which I respect but didn’t care for, has zero tension.  It just happens, and you sit there not shocked, but wondering why you don’t give a shit.  Every character sucks, except Ollie, but the bag boy can’t carry a movie.

    BTW, I wonder if that “The Thing” movie poster in the beginning is a clever hint from Darabont that he’s going to remake/fuck up that one.  And BTW BTW – why is Darabont the one that got us back Marion?

  3. cybergosh says:

    1. no – listen, i AGREE with you on what youre sayin.  I guess i felt the tension in the Pharmacy sequence.  And in the windows breaking sequence.  And the end escape to the car.  But i know what you mean – it’s all there on the page to be scarier.

    2. Darabont has been saying in interviews that it was his drafts which included Marion while working on indy 4 for about a year before getting the axe from George.  He has also said he never wrote the Shia character.

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